Dear Hillary:
I just read in the New York Times that you are planning to spend most of your summer in New York State, and the strategy behind your visit is to have people get used to having you around.
Welcome back—that is, if you are planning to visit the Hamptons. I hope so. We all enjoyed your visit last summer when you and Bill, during a difficult period, came here and, as expected, raised pots of money for the Democrats, and, contrary to expectations, did not slow down traffic.
I think, Hillary, that this visit is a good idea if you really want to represent in the Senate a state other than Illinois, where you were born, or Arkansas, where you lived before moving on to the White House. According to the Times, you are going to attend a procession of cookie-cutter forums titled “Listening to New Yorkers,” where you will listen to people talk and you will not say much and certainly not say anything controversial. The idea is that your image will be on television news shows every day, and we New Yorkers will come to think of you in a neighborly way, as just another part of the political and social landscape.
I know you are beginning your visit—sorry, temporary residence—Upstate. Since I don’t often leave the Hamptons, I can’t offer much advice on how to win over people who live in that big bore to the north. I think the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown is on your agenda. I was there several times when I was a kid and it was a lot of fun. If you get tired of listening to New Yorkers, and they do tend to talk a lot, looking up batting averages and pitching records can be diverting and quieter, and might give you debate ammunition against Mayor Giuliani. “Hey Rudy, tell me who played shortstop for the Dodgers in 1954?”
I can be of lots more help, Hillary, when it comes to the Hamptons. I can give you a quick tutorial so that people will not only get used to your being around, they’ll think you’ve been here forever. To begin, there is a tradition here that you can use to counter the carpetbagging accusations. Simply, come here and settle in. You should become the prototypical houseguest who overstays her welcome. Some might say this is not a pretty image, especially when you have that big mansion with all those perks in Washington. But it has a respectable history, it’s familiar to all of us, and it works as far as giving you a place. Instead of saying “Why does Hillary want to be Senator from a state where she’s never lived?” people will say “That Hil, she never leaves. One Rigaud candle housegift and she thinks she can stay the summer—every dinner, every party, polo, the Classic, the Robert Wilson Watermill Center Benefit. She’s all over the place.”
It’s important too always to say certain things, or say them in a certain way, so that you blend in and people think you’ve been around here for a long time. Forget health care, public schools and the economy for now. Instead of starting conversations with “Hello” and “How are you?” and talking about issues, begin by saying, “Do you know how long it took me to get here?”and talk about traffic.
Forget everything that happened to you in Arkansas and Washington. If people mention Whitewater, claim it was a very expensive oceanfront subdivision you did in Sagaponack. If they mention billing records, scoff, and claim that the annual income for the Rose Law Firm is less than lobster salad for twelve from the Barefoot Contessa. If they ask how much time you’ve spent in New York State, produce records showing how many woman hours were devoted to finding a parking space on Job’s Lane on a cloudy Saturday afternoon. Claim you always take the Jitney and never use the White House travel office.
It is very important also to be yourself. Just be Hillary. You have a lot of name recognition and we like that in the Hamptons. You have fame and power, as do many of the ordinary folks you will run into on Main Street. You live in a big house in Washington. It’s not the Hamptons and it’s not as big as some of the ordinary folks’ houses here, but it’s important enough to get their attention. Just be natural and who you are—you’ll fit right in and no one will question how long you’ve been in the state.
One little hint on geography: be careful when you say, “It Takes a Village.” Always distinguish between the Township and the incorporated Village, and be clear about which beach parking permits come with residence in your Village.
Since I am not political, I will especially enjoy seeing you stir things up a bit, exciting the Democrats and outraging the Republicans. Oh, do try to come!